Afternoons

Lucretia

I feel warmth and nostalgia for the afternoons.   I especially like them in spring and summer.  It is the time of day you were done working.    I savored those afternoons you would come bounding up the stairs from your office. You where excited to be with us and fully present.  There was always an excitement for us all.  It is hard, though it seems like it shouldn't be, to describe.  We were consistently happy at this time of day.  You would hug on the kids and they would explode with energy - running outside, climbing on the play set, jumping on the trampoline.  We would make love many of those afternoons and after we would join the kids, usually in the hot tub.    A softness would fall upon all of us and we would breathe in the mountain view.   

I loved those afternoons with you.  

The Godzilla movie count down calendar that you made with John last year still rest upon our walls.  The countdown started in March and little then did we know it was a countdown to your departure.  I look at that calendar with all the X's on the numbers and melt in those memories of the last afternoons we had together.

Bradley

It was the time of day we had least resistance with each other.   We both craved that deep connection with one another. The excitement we all felt was the moment which was ripe with possibilities and we all eagerly wanted it.  We leaned hard into it.  Our love making the most sensual.  Our children in pure joy.   I started the disconnect with the part I played with the heart I refused to open.   It was a choice Lucretia.  

There was a great deal of love shared in those afternoons and that was a choice too.  

Lucretia

The afternoons always felt more about us.  Our time and the children seemed a cooperative component.    I enjoyed the way you kissed me, your taste.    Interesting, in my mind, the memories are hazed and set to soft music.   We listened to music a lot together.   All kinds.   I especially enjoyed the massages after making love.   You were so good at massage.    I remember the last one you gave me on Friday before you died.  You finished work, the kids played outside, we made love and then you massaged me.  The massage had the common activities of the children climbing under the table and between my legs as I am on the massage table and you are working out the tension in my arms.    I adored us all together and  listening to the children play.  It relaxed me.  It always has and still does today.   Their play soothes me. 

Bradley

And do you remember the following Friday?   It was the first Friday after I died.   You were sitting on the couch, looking out at the Front Range... feeling numb,not sure of your next step.

You said out loud, "I want to go back to last Friday.  Your massage. All of us being together."  

I responded and the fact that you could hear my response so clearly caught you by surprise.   Do you remember what I said? 

I said, "Why?  I am so happy now!"   

 

Today You Felt Me

Bradley

Today you really felt me.   I want to acknowledge you in this. You are starting to let me in as I am now instead of who I was as Bradley.    You feel me.   Yes I would have been walking the soccer field with my DSLR around my neck taking pictures of our beautiful Lena today.   I would be at all her games as I am now.   You felt my presence today and so did John.    Lena felt me too.    She played different today because you let me in.   The more you feel me, the less our babies are afraid of feeling me.   It's the unknown for them but for you it a visceral reaction to me as Bradley.    Do you understand? 

Lucretia

John and I could almost see you walking around the soccer field.   Lena was lit up as she always was for you and with you.  She loves soccer which I know you would enjoy her loving.   It is visceral reaction.   I have been finding awareness around it for sometime.  It surprised me at first that it would be there in my body.  

Bradley

I am sorry for the games I played.    I would open to you and close off to you as soon we connected deeper and it left you confused.   It left you hurt.    It was my immature, mean side.   The side of myself that confused me too.   I wanted to be free of that body, a body that held cellular memories that kept me trapped in a mental pattern and in a visceral pattern as well.   Those young years, as Bradley, when I would show love, I would get hit.    My visceral pattern at the cell level was love equaled pain.   I adored nursing.   I could touch and love people and because of the social boundaries, I knew, I would never feel pain.   You wanted that deep connection and you had a language around it.  I wanted what you described and I thought that was enough to get it, to change that pattern.    If I could have built an avatar  and uploaded my conscious in it - I would have done that!  I didn't want free of you or our family but of me.  

Lucretia

Understanding in my head is different then understanding in my heart.    I have been moving into that that understanding in my heart.   Relationships can be confusing without all the extra baggage like addiction.   My mother and father didn't set great examples of relationship.  Oh Bradley.  I was so proud of you.    I see this next layer of how I related to you like my mother would relate.   I dislike it greatly.  I have enough experience that once I see it, I can change it.   I have done so much of that work so it doesn't scare me to see it now.   It saddens me that it took your departure from the physical for me to see it in the reflecting of our relationship.

Bradley

We made this soul contract long ago.   We both came so far together and we were ready for the next.     We did very well.   Focus on what was right and what did work - which was a lot - instead of what didn't work and wasn't right. You wanted this deep connection to yourself.    My death is, and will forever be in this life time, a part of that connection. 

Lucretia

I don't want to feel that visceral kick when  I feel you.  There is that cell memory of connecting with you  then you pull away and I feel pain, emotional pain.    When I feel you now, it is an immediate, very deep connection and expect to feel pain after it.   

Bradley

I am released from all my resistance.   The last few years of our marriage was froth with resistance from both of us.  When one would make solid attempts to get us in a different vibrational pattern, the other would resist.    I was exhausted from my own resistance.   Its not a terrible thing to reemerge in the fullness of who I am...it feels amazing.   I am now in the full alignment of who I am.   This is the freedom I was reaching for in my life as Bradley.    My resistance kept it from me until my wanting and focusing upon it became so clear the path of least resistance to it was death.   I am now aware of you and you have access to me in a closer, fuller way than ever before.   Let the resistance go and I am there.  

 

Sifting through the Dust

Lucretia

Today two things happened that I have been putting off. I actually have been putting several things off since last October. I did handle a great deal and then I couldn't anymore. What was left would find its way when I found mine. Today we went to the DMV with your death certificate and removed your name from the car. The kids wanted to come with me. We sat in the office at the desk of a woman who was processing the paper work. That is what you have become as the once Bradley Holcomb...paper work. It's surreal you know. You have become this death certificate which is the holy grail to get anything done in your name. A flood of memories come in as I sit there watching your name being removed.... the day you purchased the car, named Big Red, for my 40th birthday; the many trips to the airport to drop you off and the Thursday's picking you up inside DIA and Lena running to your arms, John hugging your legs and your huge smile; the many trips exploring Colorado and the trip to Chicago for Godzilla Fest; the few months after your DWI when we sat in the car discussing removing your name then from the car because of legalities not knowing in 8 months it wouldn't matter; And the night a kind police office drove us to the hospital in silence to say goodbye to a body named Bradley. Then it was done. Boom. I looked at vehicle registration and it only bore my name now.

The second thing was my iPhone. I called last week and switched our talk plans. I remember when talk time was the prime charge and now it is data of course. Unlimited talk and text. I kept your name on it and kept the family plan so I could keep your phone on - John uses it and there is no way I can part with your phone number. I suspect that number will be forever a part of my life until a new technology replaces phones. Since we had insurance on the phone and I wanted 64G and all my pretty wallets will not fit an iPhone 6 - I went with another iPhone 5. It arrived Wednesday. It was time to wipe my current phone. Another flood of memories filled me... the white skirt I was wearing; you dressed in my favorite button down shirt that I found sexy; the warm breeze of summer in Boulder; Lena 4 years old and loving being held; leaving the AT&T store and the way you looked at me - taking that mental picture; the first phone you got me in 2003 and how you played it out like Neo in The Matrix; our joke that the only reason I married you was for a flip phone. I stared at my phone. I kept staring at my phone. Letting this phone go was the end of the story line between us.

Bradley

I love you my dear. I'm sorry you must go through this. You are strong enough for both of us in the physical. I know that is not of comfort but it is true. I am here with you a different better way. In time you will see there is more than was lost. I am here. I know you miss my voice, my smell. I'm sorry I can't provide those anymore but you will see I can provide something deeper for you. I can provide what we talked about... connection to yourself in ways you have yet to know though following my vibration. We made this soul contract along while ago. We both wanted this. I wish I could ease the pain of your attachment to my physical. Time plus the choices you are making, and you are making them, will help ease that attachment. Remember the quote you just read "There is suffering until you decided there is no suffering". Know I love you and I am here.

Lucretia

Processing through our relationship I see my mistakes. I go to that dead end thought of 'If I had..." Who cares! It's over and trying to change the past is mental making. It catches me in that hopeless loop of if I had done this different or responded different, would it/could it have made a difference in your behavior. Augg! Lena pulled out videos of you from last year. Videos of you telling us how much you love us and miss us. We all sat in silence watching them over and over. Just taking in the words. John asked me how long before it was a year that you had been gone and I told him around 6 weeks. He said," So last year, we had 6 more weeks with Daddy?" I said yes and then he asked the question and it was THE question, "If we had known we only had 6 more weeks with Daddy, what do you thing we would have done different?" Silence. Tears roll down my check. Lena speaks first, "I would have gone on more bike rides with him and more walks on the Mesa." John says next, "I would asked for more hugs and I would have hugged him longer." Bradley, damn you, my words were all caught in my throat and then I said, "I would have asked him not to travel anymore. I would have played more board games with him and our favorites. I would have finalized paperwork and make sure all that silliness was done. I would have cuddled more with him and told him so many things I appreciate about him." Again that silence. That silence that isn't silence that is full of emotion.

Bradley

It is true. The day I died is the day I never left. I wanted more than anything to spend more time with you all. And now I can. It is your job to keep the kids connect to their hearts. That is where they can find me. I am ever present. Those experiences are gone. That relationship is gone. It is the ash that will grow the new. Those memories are the fertilizer for a new relationship with me. Tend to our garden Lucretia and let us grow.

 

What really happens when you die?

Lucretia

This is a question that we ponder a lot now that you have died.   What does it feel like? How do you experience the world as you know it now? What does it feel like to not need sleep or to eat or to pee?   Then this always, always leads us to the question of why?   Why?  No matter where we start in this line of questioning we end up at why.   Our baby girl struggles the most with this question.  

How can I explain the path you were on?   How do I tell her you loved her so much but your inner pain was kicking your ass?  How do I explain it was no reflection of her or our family or our life together? How do I explain you are not in that pain anymore when we still marinate in pain daily?  Everyday something leads back to you and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in our memory, in our potential, in picking up the pieces you left for us to deal with in our life, in our thoughts and in our spirituality.    Death is a funny thing like that for those who are left with the open wound of that person's transition.    

 He craves another hug from you.   She craves more of your snuggles.   I crave the person I once knew.

Bradley

Death is much like walking into another room.   I didn't want you all to see it.  I didn't want there to be trauma for you all.  I did it the best I knew I could.  I was ready for freedom.  May was as good as time as any to die.  I knew it was coming but it wasn't the knowing I could share.   It was that silent knowing that could not make it from soul to mouth in words.   I didn't want to leave you and the kids.  I wanted to be more with you all; However, the more I said that to myself, the more at odds my life existence became until the path of least resistance for that desire was death of my physical body.  

I wanted freedom from my body;  Freedom from my personal demons.  I know many people have overcome much harder than what I was faced with when I was Bradley.   I made choices sometimes by not making choices.  It took my life on a path that was fractured.   I have a boarder perspective now from my vantage point.  I understand now, from this perspective, how sometimes a very small choice can make a huge ripple in a life and for others around me.   I see how I could have made different choices in my life.  The choice that gripped me the most was the choice of acceptance for my childhood.   As Bradley, in that physically body, I couldn't accept it.  That lead me to make other choices in our family and our marriage that were not healthy.  I could not take responsibility for the choices I made because that would bring me back full circle to acceptance.    I could not make better choices because I didn't own the choices I made prior.    From my perspective now, I see how I could have gradual tweaked many of my choices  and thoughts or simple made completely different ones.   How my arrogance got in the way of my happiness and the thing I treasured most in my life...family.

It always comes to a choice.   You will all make a choice to be a happy and the pain of my transition will ease.   I craved the freedom to be with you  the way I saw it in my thoughts but could not allow with my heart.   I am free to be that now with you, with all of you.  I am with you everyday, all day.    My attention is still focused on you and the children.  It is were I want it to be and what I am interested in.   I love you the way I always wanted too.    For you and for the children, it's learning to feel me the way I am now and not the way you knew me in the physical.   The potential you felt in me, the love you saw me and  the gentle spirit you fell in love with is every present.    The negative part of my personality is gone.    I still have the same sense of humor and I know when you know you feel me.    It is connecting to that vibration and impulses that you feel that is connected to what you once knew in me as Bradley.   I love you all.  I have so much to share with you. 

I'm sorry isn't I'm sorry

Lucretia

I understand the concept more is gained than what was lost.   I feel the truth in this in your transition.  I see it.   Why doesn't it make the pain less?  This isn't what I wanted for us, between us, with us.    When we were friends and early on in our relationship, it was so different than the end.    I didn't sign on for you to become a self absorbed, sexually needy alcoholic.     The last few years with you, I felt I lived barley breathing.   I was confused and I just didn't get it.  Why invest time and energy in a partnership and a family only to tear it down.   Your death hasn't provided any closure either.   There is a part of me that is happy for your release and where you are now and then there is a part of me that is pissed.   I feel like I have been cleaning up the pieces you left behind for years and now here is one more thing I have to clean up from you.   

The hardest part for me, and I find the kids struggle with it too, is you never asked us.   You just did what you wanted and never asked us what we wanted.  You didn't ask if May was good time for you die.   You didn't ask if this is what we wanted.   Of course none of us would have agreed to it.   We wanted you.   We wanted you with an open heart.   I wanted a partner and friend.  I wanted to build with you.   

It makes me think I should have divorced you.    It's not what I wanted so I never could do it.   I presented it to you often because it seemed like you really desired it.   Your answer was always no.  You said you wanted nothing more than to be with us, with me.    Your actions and your words didn't match thou.   If I would have just divorced you so the titles of husband and wife and marriage were gone....could it all have been different?    Those words tripped you up.   I knew that and I understood that.   I was scared.

We had this beautiful family together and you would only allow us to be close to a degree.  Then you had create distance, which left a wake of emotions as debris from actions.   You would say, "I'm sorry" then do it again.  In death, I finally understood your sorry.   When I said I was sorry I meant that I understood I hurt you and that I would work on that behavior to change it.   When you said you were sorry you meant you were sorry you hurt me but you were going to do it anyway.

Bradley

I was in your way.  I was in the kids way.   I could not love you the way I wanted.   I adored our family, our children, our marriage.    I had gone as far as I would allow myself with loving you all.    I knew you could not hear my sorry anymore.   I am sorry.    Right here, right now.   Allow the past we had together to be the fertilizer for the growth of our new relationship.     We can continue a relationship and I want this.   Open your heart to me.    We will be stronger through this.  I am here.

Lucretia

I found that note after you died.   It felt so good to find it.  I love you my dear!