This is a question that we ponder a lot now that you have died. What does it feel like? How do you experience the world as you know it now? What does it feel like to not need sleep or to eat or to pee? Then this always, always leads us to the question of why? Why? No matter where we start in this line of questioning we end up at why. Our baby girl struggles the most with this question.
How can I explain the path you were on? How do I tell her you loved her so much but your inner pain was kicking your ass? How do I explain it was no reflection of her or our family or our life together? How do I explain you are not in that pain anymore when we still marinate in pain daily? Everyday something leads back to you and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in our memory, in our potential, in picking up the pieces you left for us to deal with in our life, in our thoughts and in our spirituality. Death is a funny thing like that for those who are left with the open wound of that person's transition.
He craves another hug from you. She craves more of your snuggles. I crave the person I once knew.
Death is much like walking into another room. I didn't want you all to see it. I didn't want there to be trauma for you all. I did it the best I knew I could. I was ready for freedom. May was as good as time as any to die. I knew it was coming but it wasn't the knowing I could share. It was that silent knowing that could not make it from soul to mouth in words. I didn't want to leave you and the kids. I wanted to be more with you all; However, the more I said that to myself, the more at odds my life existence became until the path of least resistance for that desire was death of my physical body.
I wanted freedom from my body; Freedom from my personal demons. I know many people have overcome much harder than what I was faced with when I was Bradley. I made choices sometimes by not making choices. It took my life on a path that was fractured. I have a boarder perspective now from my vantage point. I understand now, from this perspective, how sometimes a very small choice can make a huge ripple in a life and for others around me. I see how I could have made different choices in my life. The choice that gripped me the most was the choice of acceptance for my childhood. As Bradley, in that physically body, I couldn't accept it. That lead me to make other choices in our family and our marriage that were not healthy. I could not take responsibility for the choices I made because that would bring me back full circle to acceptance. I could not make better choices because I didn't own the choices I made prior. From my perspective now, I see how I could have gradual tweaked many of my choices and thoughts or simple made completely different ones. How my arrogance got in the way of my happiness and the thing I treasured most in my life...family.
It always comes to a choice. You will all make a choice to be a happy and the pain of my transition will ease. I craved the freedom to be with you the way I saw it in my thoughts but could not allow with my heart. I am free to be that now with you, with all of you. I am with you everyday, all day. My attention is still focused on you and the children. It is were I want it to be and what I am interested in. I love you the way I always wanted too. For you and for the children, it's learning to feel me the way I am now and not the way you knew me in the physical. The potential you felt in me, the love you saw me and the gentle spirit you fell in love with is every present. The negative part of my personality is gone. I still have the same sense of humor and I know when you know you feel me. It is connecting to that vibration and impulses that you feel that is connected to what you once knew in me as Bradley. I love you all. I have so much to share with you.