I'm sorry isn't I'm sorry


I understand the concept more is gained than what was lost.   I feel the truth in this in your transition.  I see it.   Why doesn't it make the pain less?  This isn't what I wanted for us, between us, with us.    When we were friends and early on in our relationship, it was so different than the end.    I didn't sign on for you to become a self absorbed, sexually needy alcoholic.     The last few years with you, I felt I lived barley breathing.   I was confused and I just didn't get it.  Why invest time and energy in a partnership and a family only to tear it down.   Your death hasn't provided any closure either.   There is a part of me that is happy for your release and where you are now and then there is a part of me that is pissed.   I feel like I have been cleaning up the pieces you left behind for years and now here is one more thing I have to clean up from you.   

The hardest part for me, and I find the kids struggle with it too, is you never asked us.   You just did what you wanted and never asked us what we wanted.  You didn't ask if May was good time for you die.   You didn't ask if this is what we wanted.   Of course none of us would have agreed to it.   We wanted you.   We wanted you with an open heart.   I wanted a partner and friend.  I wanted to build with you.   

It makes me think I should have divorced you.    It's not what I wanted so I never could do it.   I presented it to you often because it seemed like you really desired it.   Your answer was always no.  You said you wanted nothing more than to be with us, with me.    Your actions and your words didn't match thou.   If I would have just divorced you so the titles of husband and wife and marriage were gone....could it all have been different?    Those words tripped you up.   I knew that and I understood that.   I was scared.

We had this beautiful family together and you would only allow us to be close to a degree.  Then you had create distance, which left a wake of emotions as debris from actions.   You would say, "I'm sorry" then do it again.  In death, I finally understood your sorry.   When I said I was sorry I meant that I understood I hurt you and that I would work on that behavior to change it.   When you said you were sorry you meant you were sorry you hurt me but you were going to do it anyway.


I was in your way.  I was in the kids way.   I could not love you the way I wanted.   I adored our family, our children, our marriage.    I had gone as far as I would allow myself with loving you all.    I knew you could not hear my sorry anymore.   I am sorry.    Right here, right now.   Allow the past we had together to be the fertilizer for the growth of our new relationship.     We can continue a relationship and I want this.   Open your heart to me.    We will be stronger through this.  I am here.


I found that note after you died.   It felt so good to find it.  I love you my dear!