Today You Felt Me

Bradley

Today you really felt me.   I want to acknowledge you in this. You are starting to let me in as I am now instead of who I was as Bradley.    You feel me.   Yes I would have been walking the soccer field with my DSLR around my neck taking pictures of our beautiful Lena today.   I would be at all her games as I am now.   You felt my presence today and so did John.    Lena felt me too.    She played different today because you let me in.   The more you feel me, the less our babies are afraid of feeling me.   It's the unknown for them but for you it a visceral reaction to me as Bradley.    Do you understand? 

Lucretia

John and I could almost see you walking around the soccer field.   Lena was lit up as she always was for you and with you.  She loves soccer which I know you would enjoy her loving.   It is visceral reaction.   I have been finding awareness around it for sometime.  It surprised me at first that it would be there in my body.  

Bradley

I am sorry for the games I played.    I would open to you and close off to you as soon we connected deeper and it left you confused.   It left you hurt.    It was my immature, mean side.   The side of myself that confused me too.   I wanted to be free of that body, a body that held cellular memories that kept me trapped in a mental pattern and in a visceral pattern as well.   Those young years, as Bradley, when I would show love, I would get hit.    My visceral pattern at the cell level was love equaled pain.   I adored nursing.   I could touch and love people and because of the social boundaries, I knew, I would never feel pain.   You wanted that deep connection and you had a language around it.  I wanted what you described and I thought that was enough to get it, to change that pattern.    If I could have built an avatar  and uploaded my conscious in it - I would have done that!  I didn't want free of you or our family but of me.  

Lucretia

Understanding in my head is different then understanding in my heart.    I have been moving into that that understanding in my heart.   Relationships can be confusing without all the extra baggage like addiction.   My mother and father didn't set great examples of relationship.  Oh Bradley.  I was so proud of you.    I see this next layer of how I related to you like my mother would relate.   I dislike it greatly.  I have enough experience that once I see it, I can change it.   I have done so much of that work so it doesn't scare me to see it now.   It saddens me that it took your departure from the physical for me to see it in the reflecting of our relationship.

Bradley

We made this soul contract long ago.   We both came so far together and we were ready for the next.     We did very well.   Focus on what was right and what did work - which was a lot - instead of what didn't work and wasn't right. You wanted this deep connection to yourself.    My death is, and will forever be in this life time, a part of that connection. 

Lucretia

I don't want to feel that visceral kick when  I feel you.  There is that cell memory of connecting with you  then you pull away and I feel pain, emotional pain.    When I feel you now, it is an immediate, very deep connection and expect to feel pain after it.   

Bradley

I am released from all my resistance.   The last few years of our marriage was froth with resistance from both of us.  When one would make solid attempts to get us in a different vibrational pattern, the other would resist.    I was exhausted from my own resistance.   Its not a terrible thing to reemerge in the fullness of who I am...it feels amazing.   I am now in the full alignment of who I am.   This is the freedom I was reaching for in my life as Bradley.    My resistance kept it from me until my wanting and focusing upon it became so clear the path of least resistance to it was death.   I am now aware of you and you have access to me in a closer, fuller way than ever before.   Let the resistance go and I am there.